Separation Anxiety

So it is one of those weekends... they happen about once every other month. I make the journey west from the twin cities over to St. Cloud. There are a lot of reasons why this is a good thing: the pay is pretty darn good, I experience a whole new health care system, I get even more practice at adult inpatient care (something that I get no exposure to these days outside of my moonlighting...). And as the lone female moonlighter (and the only one I can really think of in recent history), it is good to counteract the testosterone from time to time.

I have been doing this for about a year now. In the beginning, these were family adventures...the family would pack into the van and make the trek together. DH would hang out with the kids in the hotel and hang out at various museums or other local sites while I was at work. But after a few times where I ended up spending 12 hours at the hospital and trying to have two younguns sleep in the same suite as us, this became a less attractive arrangement. So, now I make the trip alone.

In some ways, it is a nice break from the weekend at home. The hospital pays for the hotel that the moonlighting physicians sleep at over the weekend and the rooms are nice. TV, internet access, and a cozy bed. But it is still a full weekend of work, many hours at the hospital and having the pager and cell phone going off at all hours of the day and night for questions or new admissions. And knowing that there will be chores to catch up on when I finally get home on Sunday night. The checklist also has to be completed before I leave...food in the fridge for the boys? Enough laundry clean? DH knows to pick them up from school (usually a job that I do)? And the routine when I get to the hotel...bags put away, grab a (hopefully) healthy dinner, wait for sign out from the outgoing doc, go to the grocery store to get meals for the weekend so I don't resort to fast food.

And then...the loneliness sets in. It is too quiet. I miss the feel of Nate's warm body snuggled up next to me, eagerly hanging on my every word while reading nighttime stories. The nightly ritual of him delaying going to bed as long as possible. Each of us sharing the three things that we enjoyed today and invariably him trying to extend it to four, five, six things. And Ben bringing book after book after book and climbing up on the couch, easily molding against my side to point at the various illustrations as we read. Hearing him say "uh-oh" and his excited silent nods when asked if he would like his nightly bottle and then watching him quickly toddle to the kitchen, eagerly waiting to watch the making of the bottle ceremony. Guessing where the smells in his hair came from (usually food from earlier in the day). Watching him toddle to bed dragging his stuffed lamb behind him.

The "three things I liked about today" nighttime routine is something we have been doing over the last month or so. I often say something about work and Nate is always curious about the kids I am meeting. It is hard to explain things like psychosis to him in a way that is not overly scary but doesn't gloss it over. He seems to get it and always wants to hear how they are doing. He often talks about digging a new large hole in the school sandbox, art projects he worked on, and what he has been building in Minecraft. He's such a cool kid. Last night he said brushing his teeth hurt...taking a peek in there, his first permanent molar is coming in and the other three areas look tender. And the second lower central incisor that I thought was coming in correctly has turned out to be shark tooth part deux. I was researching the eruption pattern of teeth in kids and was reminded about all of the facial restructuring that takes place at Nate's age and started looking at his face...really looking at it. His jaw is elongating...where there once were curves there are now more angles. And while Ben is still looks much more like a baby, he is also getting those angles that hint at what he will look like when he is older.

They are getting big too fast. There are days that I wonder if I am missing too much. But I also know that we have a decent balance. I work very hard to make the most out of the time that I am with them, even when all I want to do is sleep or have some down time. I am in the pool for mommy-and-me swimming class, cheering at T-ball games, reading at night before bed, trips to the zoo and the children's museum. And always, always telling them how much I love them, giving positive attention to their successes and being present.

40 hours to go. I miss them.